CHANGING FROM A CRAZY TO AN ENERGIZING MARRIAGE
Ephesians 5:18-33
We’re interrupting our series on 1 Cor. this week to focus on marriage.
Our leaders are convinced this is a need among God’s people we must focus on frequently.
We want to introduce an opportunity we’re going to offer on Sunday evenings, beginning September 9: Gib and Jan Knoop will be leading a series of studies on the home.
We want to encourage you to participate.
About three years ago a new book was published which is one of the most helpful studies for husbands and wives I’ve ever used. Love and Respect, Emerson Eggerichs
A Christian couple, on the staff of a large church, about to end their marriage, comment: “The truths God has revealed to you are both simple and profound. . . . They started a healing process and revolutionized our marriage. If only we had been given this information thirty years ago, what heartache and pain it would have saved us.”
A woman writes: “I wanted to let you know, I GOT IT! God granted me the power of this revelation of respecting my husband.... This revelation ... has changed everything in my marriage–my approach, my response, my relationship to God and my husband. It was the missing piece.”
Relax ladies! This isn’t a lecture for wives. It’s a message for husbands about loving wives too.
Do you know what amazed me about this exciting new discovery? It’s NOT new!
It was recorded in Eph. 5 and 1 Pet. 3, 2000 years ago! Why don’t we get it?!!
THE PROBLEM–THE CRAZY CYCLE Most of us live what Eggerichs calls a “crazy cycle!”
Without Love She Reacts Without Respect
Without Respect He Reacts Without Love
Wives are made to love, want to love, and expect love.
Husbands fail to deliver.
The wife’s question: How can I get him to love me as he should?
When he fails to love her, she reacts without respect for him.
If she feels like he has withdrawn and doesn’t love her, it shouldn’t surprise him that she comes after him with a vengeance.
Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect.
Wives fail to deliver.
The husband’s question: How can I get her to respect me as she should?
When she fails to respect him, he reacts without love for her.
If she’s using the language of disrespect, it shouldn’t surprise her that he doesn’t want to come home and talk.
Round and round the cycle goes–down and down!
When the wife doesn’t feel loved, she reacts without respect, . . .
So he reacts without love, . . . So she reacts without respect, . . .
The result: 5 out of 10 marriages end in divorce (even among Christians!).
Most often “the issue” isn’t the real issue at all! It’s an issue of love and respect.
HOW CAN WE GET OFF THE CRAZY CYCLE? => Eph. 5:18-33
The solution–Getting off the crazy cycle
How most of us read Eph. 5–“Here. Let me read your part for you!”
Notice that in Ephesians 5, the heavy part is on the HUSBAND, NOT the wife!
[ In 1 Pet. 3, the heavy part is on the wife! ]
What submission looks like for a godly wife. 5:22-24
Two clarifying observations:
Primary exhortation focuses on mutual submission 5:21
Both verses men like to focus on omit “submit” 5:22, 24
“Submit” isn’t in the text! That ought to tell us something!
It’s hard to make an omitted word the primary focus of the sentence!
However, the husband is the head of the wife, in the same way as Christ is Head of the church. 5:23 That’s pretty absolute! => 5:24
Wives are to submit to husbands in everything. Doesn’t leave out much!
This submission isn’t conditional. It doesn’t say, “You do it, if he does!”
Men observe: it is VOLUNTARY–you can’t force it on her!
What submission looks like for a godly husband 5:25-31
Our love should be self-sacrificing. 5:25
It’s like Christ’s love for His church; He gave Himself for her.
If CHRIST was willing to sacrifice Himself for us,
we ought to be willing to give up our rights and desires for our wives.
Our goal shouldn’t be OUR benefit–to get our way–but HER welfare, as Christ sought our welfare 5:26-27
We should seek her best interests–her holiness–to make her shine!
We should feed and care for her as we do our own body. 5:28-29
Summary statement 5:33
A husband ought to love his wife as he loves himself
–as defined above, amplified in 1 Pet. 3:7
Be considerate of her.
Treat her with honor–as you handle fine china–delicate and valuable!
A husband ought to love his wife, even if she doesn’t respect him.
But, when a husband doesn’t feel respected, it’s hard to love his wife.
When a husband feels disrespected, he has a tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife.
Without respect, he reacts without love => that’s the “crazy cycle.”
He responds to lack of respect by acting in unloving ways,
which makes her feel unloved.
Wives that don’t deserve love can be won by loving behavior.
How can a husband demonstrate love for his wife? COUPLE
Closeness–She wants you to be close. She wants to connect.
Spend time alone with her, so you can focus on each other and talk.
Openness–She wants you to open up to her.
She is expressive-responsive; she wants to talk about things.
Tell her about your day; ask her what she’s feeling;
give her full attention–no grunts in front of TV or newspaper!
Understanding–Don’t try to fix her; just listen.
Peacemaking–She wants you to say, “I’m sorry!”
Let her vent her frustration, without getting angry.
Forgive her for wrongs, never nurse bitterness, reassure her of your love.
Loyalty–She needs to know you’re committed to her.
She needs reassurance.
Speak highly of her in front of others.
Don’t correct her in front of the children.
Don’t look lustfully at other women.
Esteem–She wants you to honor and cherish her.
Speak highly of her in front of others.
Open the door for her.
Listen to her opinion, and value it.
Give her encouragement and praise.
A woman ought to respect her husband. 5:33b => 1 Pet 3:1-6
Purity, reverence, “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit”
The word “respect”
Fear => awe, reverence–toward God, a king, a master, or other authority
Describes appropriate response to God–that’s how a godly wife ought to respond to a husband => with respect or reverence.
A wife is to respect her husband, even if he doesn’t love her.
But, when a wife doesn’t feel loved, it’s hard to respect her husband.
When a wife feels unloved, she has a tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband.
Without love, she reacts without respect => that’s the “crazy cycle.”
She responds to lack of love by complaining and criticizing,
which makes him feel a lack of respect.
Husbands that don’t deserve respect can be won by respectful behavior.
How can a wife demonstrate respect for her husband?
The respect test: “I was thinking about you today and remembering several things about you that I respect. I just want you to know how much I respect you.” Then turn to leave. He WILL ask! Be ready to mention several!
I’ll bet this works even AFTER he hears me tell you to try it!
CHAIRS
Conquest–Appreciate his desire to work and ACHIEVE.
Express that appreciation! Express your faith in him.
Listen to his work stories like you want him to hear your family stories..
Hierarchy–Appreciate his desire to protect and provide.
(Responsibilities of being head)
Praise his commitment to provide for and protect you and the family.
Authority–Appreciate his desire to serve and to lead.
Support his self-image as a leader; praise his good decisions.
Be gracious if he makes a bad decision; support him in front of kids.
Insight–Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel.
Tell him up front you need his ear; don’t complain when he tries to FIX you.
Thank him for his advice and godly counsel, without acting insulted.
Relationship–Appreciate his desire for side-by-side time
–shoulder-to-shoulder friendship.
(Just spending time together–side by side–“sit by me!”)
(Sources of frustration:
(She just wants to express her feelings; but he wants to “fix” her.)
(He just wants to be with her; but she wants to talk.)
Sexuality–Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy.
(At least he WANTS to be with YOU!)
Respond to him sexually more often; you initiate sex periodically.
Let him acknowledge temptation without shaming or doubting him.
So, If you want to get off the crazy cycle, who goes first? Who makes the first move?
Whoever is concerned about the problem!
Whoever sees himself or herself as the more mature.
There’s always some risk. => “It didn’t work!”
The good part is that we always “WIN” when we do what God wants us to do!
We may not get what we wanted–but we’ll please God! That’s good!
Getting off the crazy cycle and onto THE ENERGIZING CYCLE:
What does the energizing cycle look like? [ Underlying idea behind Ephesians 5. ]
His love motivates her respect;
Her respect motivates his love
It doesn’t matter WHO starts the cycle!
Life on the energizing cycle leads to THE REWARDED CYCLE:
His love blesses regardless of her respect;
Her respect blesses regardless of his love.
WHERE DOES THE ABILITY TO LIVE THIS WAY COME FROM?
In Eph 5:18ff, Paul speaks of the value of being controlled by God’s Spirit.
The Spirit’s control is accompanied by evidence of His control.
This kind of living is the result when God’s Spirit controls us:
1. We praise God together, in fellowship with others 5:18-19a
When we come together, we spend our time praising God,
rather than complaining and criticizing
2. We praise God in personal worship from the heart 5:19b
3. We give thanks for everything 5:20
4. We SUBMIT to one another 5:21-6:9
Only God can produce this kind of Spirit in us!
Want to learn more about life on the energizing cycle?
Come to the Marriage Enrichment study Sunday evenings at 6:00–starting Sept. 9.
This is important enough that I’ll give you permission to skip out on Sunday evening worship–IF you’ll use the time to attend this Marriage Enrichment study!